Shatter me by Lzzy Hale and Lindsey sterling is one of my most beloved songs. I discovered it whan I had no voice of my own, scared, numb and overwhelmed. I was stretched so thin trying to fit in everyone’s idea of me that I completely lost touch with who I am. I felt stuck, thinking if I keep the playing the role I’ll further betray myself and if I stop I’ll be betraying everyone around. I was so lost in a prison of my own design. For years I kept it up until I lost all will to exist. There was no way to go but up from there. Now I listen to the song and send love to the old me that couldn’t love herself, thinking she were a lamentable burden on everyone. Looking at all the shards of glass shattered around me, they make the most beautiful painting, especially when I shine on them.
The way a song or a novel or apoem can disect us, give us words and tell our story in a way we never ca is nothing short of a miracle.
When my pain is unbearable to look at I defeult to a numbness. I hide from it, from myself, from the whole world. And there comes a song that draws it out like a spell. A song can make you seen in your darkest places. This song told me what I needed when I didn’t give my own needs any thought. Songs draw me out of my manifactured apathy. make me lower my guards and give me courage to look the pain in the eyes and face my lowest moments.
Now I go back to these songs, remind myself how far I came. see if there is any remnant of those wounds that need healing, any part of me that needs holding, any dark corners that want to be seen.
To those who were there and cared, it was not a coincidence that I could be around you. I was so afraid all the time, to do or say the wrong thing. Afraid to not live up to the roles. Afraid to be a waste of time and effort. If I could be around you it means I felt seen and the blessing of your presence outweighed my guilt of selfishly occupying a portion of your existence.
So I’ll forever be grateful to those who were my safe spaces to be when I even wasn’t safe enough for me.
So much love❤️.